"When are you due?" is never good small talk.

That is a cardinal rule.  Could be the end of this post.

But it isn’t.  Of course.

Some of you saw on Facebook and Twitter last night that I ended my banner day in, well, banner fashion.

As I was standing up, purse on shoulder, to run to get the boys at the end of the day, my phone rang.  We had been working on a media story all day and the photographer wanted to come by for the photo shoot.  Now.

I ran over to the hospital and we all got to work.  While the photographer was shooting, one of the nurses came up to me and whispered under her breath,

“What are they going to do?”

I whispered back. 

“They are from the newspaper and will be running a story on this patient tomorrow.”

“Oh, okay.  But what I said was, ‘When are you due?’”

Eyes gleaming.  Rubbing her belly.  Excited for me.  Giddy almost.

“Oh.  Oh, God.  No.  No.  Not due.  Not at all due.  So, so, so not pregnant.”

And she fumbled.  And squirmed.  And tried to recover.

"Oh must have been the way you were standing!"

"Yeah, like I had a soccer ball shoved in my shirt?" 

Squirm skinny, flat-bellied, haven't-yet-had-a-baby-ruin-your-stomach girl.  Squirm.

Frankly, I let her.

If you have ever done that to someone and wondered if you should feel awful.  Yes, yes, you should.  Because let me tell you, it's now several hours after it happened to me and I still do.

Just earlier this week, I watched Kim’s video on just the same subject.  And I sympathized and empathized.  Because oh my, I have been there.

So here it is.  The cardinal rule.

Unless you are there to witness the baby coming out, don't ask a woman if she is pregnant.  Ever.  Heck I don't even care if she is rubbing her belly and smiling.  Cause yesterday, if I was doing that, I was just reminiscing about how much I loved my Chipotle burrito.

I have had it happen four times over the past year.  And I am at my breaking point.  Pity the next person that asks me.  Really.  I can't be held accountable for whatever may happen.

I am not pregnant. I don't hope to be pregnant.  And I didn't recently have a baby (unless you call two and a half years ago recent).

But clearly I must look like I am.

I have had three children.  I hate exercise.  And I like bread and wine.  So there.

The last time someone asked me, I responded by decluttering my house. 

Now I guess it's time to declutter me.